It Does Work if You Do it!

A while ago I wrote that it doesn't work if you don't do it. One of my students sent me this letter soon after that post, confirming that it does work, and it works quite profoundly and quickly, if you DO it, whatever the "it" is for you.

I teach a Human Potential class every term for our local community college. To get an A, my students needed to move there bodies, wire without censoring (free-writing) or tap (EFT, Emotional Freedom Techniques,) and read something inspirational.

I did not tell them they needed to spend a certain amount of time each day. I wanted them to build a habit of doing these three healthy activities and also to practice keeping a promis to themselves.

Here is the relevant part of her note to me, shared with her permission:

Hi Vicki,

In the two weeks that I had to try tapping, reading, and moving the body, I found out a lot of things that I did not necessarily know about myself. First of all, I have become a lover of reading. I have never enjoyed reading until recently, I started reading a book called "Don't stress about the small stuff, and it's all small stuff" this was an incredible book. It was laid out in a fashion where I could read one section a day, and I began to really love reading. It was interesting reading information that helps motivate me in my daily life.

During this two weeks I also did the free writes in the morning, I did not throw them away, however I read back through all of them yesterday and realized that many of the things that get to me in my everyday life are not worth the stress. As the free writings went from day to day, I could tell that I was becoming more joyful and things in my life were more in tacked. From day one to the last day of free writings my life had done a 180. I wake up with a smile on my face and look forward to the day, as two weeks ago I dreaded getting up and dealing with what life was throwing at me.

Along with reading and writing I began to move my body. I started attending the gym. I love being active, it is a great source to relieve stress. Being able to go into the gym and take my mind off of all the other things in my life is a great escape.

I believe that the combination of writing, reading and moving my body has created a new person in me, life is truly great right now. I tried the tapping, however I just could not get into it. I found myself being very distracted. This two weeks has been life changing for me, thank you for the awesome class!

Have a great summer,
K B

EFT: Not Wanting to Tap

If EFT is new to you, take a look at tryitoneverything.com and bradyates.net for more information.  What do you think?  The perfectionist in me is howling..  My next tapping video will be on perfectionism, the not so silent killer.

It Doesn't Work if You Don't Do It!

It Doesn't Work if You Don’t Do It!

We all find activities that make a big difference in our lives.  If we write gratitude lists every day, we notice an increase in our enjoyment of life.  Or if we walk on a regular basis we notice we have more energy and our mood is uplifted.

Then, for unknown reasons, we quit doing what we know improves our lives. It doesn't cost much, doesn't take much time, and greatly increases our ability to appreciate our gifts and deal with our challenges, AND YET WE STOP DOING IT.

What is this about?  Most of us know this phenomenon.  "Yes, I was doing those things and was feeling better.  It was easy, but then I stopped.  I don't know why. Huh. That's interesting."

I think we stop doing what serves us because these insidious thoughts creep into our minds and take over:  "This is too easy.  This is too little.  Such a small behavior can't make a profound effect on my life.  I don't need to do this anymore.  I need to find something newer, sexier, harder, more complicated."

So we stop doing what supports our emotional, spiritual, and physical health.  Then we wonder why we find ourselves right back where we were when we started doing those things that had been improving our lives.

 

Here is what interests me: We brush our teeth everyday, twice a day, even though we don't have a huge effect from one brushing. We brush our teeth because we know it benefits us in the long term. We don't debate every day whether or not we are going to brush our teeth; we just do it.

People who grow up in the Culture of Poverty do not take care of their teeth and they lose them.  A deep belief in the Culture of Poverty is that what we do doesn't matter. It’s all about luck anyway -- so why bother with boring little things such as brushing our teeth?

I think most of us have a bit of this Culture of Poverty in our brains.  This is what stops us from writing, walking, tapping, singing, dancing, stating our appreciation and gratitude and all those behaviors that take so little time and produce such great results.

How Do We Help Ourselves Keep Doing What Works?

Here are two ideas:

1. Connect a new behavior to something you know you will do, such as brushing your teeth.  For example, always tap before you brush your teeth. Putting the new behavior in front of the already established behavior ensures you won't forget. You get to feel very proud of yourself every time you do this. Your self esteem skyrockets.

2. Install ringtones on your phone that remind you of what you are committed to doing regularly.  Every time your phone rings, you get a fun reminder of who you want to be.   Impress your friends.  Contact me and I will make one just for you:  (Suzie, wake up!  Suzie, wake up!)

You have to commit to staying in the game.  Set up a system to support you because you know your tendency will be to stop doing what works.  Then plan for regular evaluation times to catch anything that has fallen off your "I Do This Reality List.”

It is not, as they say, rocket science, but it does take persistence and means we need to stay awake.  I'm working on my version of a parody of  “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.”  Maybe this song will help us all keeping doing what is working for us.

Waking Up is Hard to Do

Inspired by Scott at http://www.scottsongs.com/ 

 Don't take this pain away from me.

My comfort zone is my misery.

It's too scary. You know it’s true.

Waking up is hard to do.

I remember when I felt so fine.

Walking writing – I had plenty of time.

Then I “forgot.” You’ve done it too.

Cuz waking up is hard to do.

 

They say that waking up is hared to do.

Now I know. I know that it’s true.

Don’t say I don’t’ get to pretend.

It’s too hard.  I give up.  I don’t’ want to wake up again.

 

My energy feeds my fear.

I get batter at this every year.

The Law of Attraction turns out to be true.

Waking up is hard to do.

Chorus

Leave me alone.  I don’t want to try.

I have plenty of good reasons to cry.

Mind your own business.  If you don’t I’ll sue

Waking up’s too hard to do.

 

 

Follow the Fun

Learn to Trust Fun and Change Your Life Forever

When I was a high school English teacher many years ago, I would often wake up in the middle of the night fraught with anxiety. I was failing to reach my students, failing them horribly I feared, even though I was doing all I knew at the time to help them succeed and create a great life for themselves.

Twenty years later I know the truth was I had been failing them miserably, but not through any fault of my own, but that is another story.

This is the story of how I got tired of feeling horrible, sick to my stomach with dread at the thought of going to school in the morning. Instead, I transformed my teaching and my life in one session with my best friend, my journal.

The Power of Dialoguing

In my Journal Writing for Teachers class I had been taught a journaling technique dialoguing. You can dialogue with anything, I learned, including aspects of a dream or even voices inside your own head.

I decided to dialogue with that Voice inside my head that was waking me up at night and this was one of the first times I ever faced my shame, the fear that I was a disgusting mistake which needed to be eradicated, wiped from the face of the Earth.

Brave, indeed, I was when I picked up my pen and wrote:

• Me: Okay, Voice That Wakes Me Up at Night. What is it you are trying to tell me? I want to know everything.
• Voice: You are a failure as an English teacher.
• Me: I know. Why am I a failure? What should I be doing?
• Voice: Your students should be writing essays with footnotes.

Note: As a college graduate with a Bachelor of Arts in English, I had never written a paper with footnotes in my life. 

• Me: Okay. What else?
• Voice: Your students should have their papers publish.
• Me: My students should write papers with footnotes that are published in academic journals, Right?
• Voice: Right.
• Me: And then that would be enough, I would be enough?
• Voice: No, of course not. These papers would be written about Beowulf, the Old English classic. Your students must read in the original Old English.
• Me. Right. My students in my Mass Media class should be reading Beowulf in its original Old English and writing scholarly papers, which are published in academic journals. Is that all?
• Voice: No. You and your student should win some awards, some national awards.

Perfectionism Kills

At this point I realized for once and forever that I would never please this Voice inside me. Every time I succeeded, this Voice would just up the ante and I would be a failure again.

A Vow to Follow the Fun

So, I sent this voice to Hawaii for a vacation and decided to have fun instead. From that day on, no kidding, my goal has been to have fun. If I am not having fun, I change what I am doing. I am willing to work hard, proofreading this essay is no walk in the park when you are legally blind, but it is still fun, even if I am occasionally frustrated.

Taking a Stand for Fun at Work

Once when I was an elementary school counselor, I was leading a musical, life skills assembly. The students were rowdy and I could not get them to quiet down. "I’m not having any fun," I said. "I’m working too hard. If you don’t settle down we will have to stop the assembly and try again some other time."

They did not quiet down and, with a smile on my face, I said, “Okay, the assembly is over. We will try again some other time when you are able to listen better."

My students were shocked. I'm sure the teachers and parents were shocked. I even shocked myself. Wow! I had taken a stand for fun and I stood my ground firmly and cheerfully, even in the face of mass disapproval.

I never had trouble at an assembly again. I had credibility with my five hundred students and, more importantly, with myself. I could count on me when I was being invited to do something that was not working. I had learned to Follow the fun.

Trusting Fun

So now I follow the fun. I trust Fun. Fun happens when I am living in the present and when life is juicy and creative. Because I follow the fun, if I am struck by lightening in the next second, I will have no regrets. I have not spent my life worrying and flurrying, fussing and fretting.

 Since that day in my backyard, sitting in the sun out on my weedy lawn, that day I faced the Voice of Shame within me and sent her packing, I have been more creative, effective, and happier than I was when I was allowing Shame to dominate my life.

Desmond Tutu invites us to Follow the Fun and save the world. He is full of laughter and is a Nobel Prize-winner. If you don’t believe me, you can certainly trust him

So there.

Laugh Now: It's Lighter Than You Think!

Laugh Now:  It's Lighter Than You Think!

How can we escape the myriad of invitations to despair?  Aren't these the worst times in history?  Aren't we all doomed?

Our brains work better when we are not practicing fear.  When we have a sense of humor about our troubles, we can find joy in the moment and create innovative solutions. So, why not swim naked and laugh until you cry?  Why not fly to Bali and fall in love.  Why not go creative, write songs bad or good. Why not live your dream, live it now, live it now.

How Silliness Saved Murray: Cock-a-Doodle-Do!

Introducing Murray, the Sweetest Man I’ve Ever Known

My husband Murray's parents came from Poland. They were Jewish and barely escaped being killed by the Nazis.

Murray is an Occupational Therapist who speaks "kid" as a first language. He is magic with children, finding ways past their problem behaviors, so they may more fully enjoy their lives.

When Murray worked on the Psychiatric Ward in our local hospital, he was used as an assessment tool. If one of the patients couldn't get along with Murray, the Assessment Team figured the patient probably needed their medicine adjusted.

The Big Lie Turns into the Big Fear

I tell you this because it will help you understand what a waste of joy it is for Murray to suffer from obsessive fears, as he does every day. He has coped with his fears by taking martial arts for over thirty years. He has guns and knows how to shoot them. (They are safely locked up; I assure you.) He keeps a bat under our bed and I think he even had a knife handy for many years we were together, without telling me about it.

Murray grew up in Los Angeles and suffered violence close up and personal.  That was one reason he moved to the Northwest in 1992.  But now he lives in one of the safest places in the country, Corvallis, Oregon. Neither of us has ever been physically threatened, much less injured here . We've had some vandalism and minor theft, but nothing violent. No one has ever tried to break into our home or the home of anyone we know.

Still, he is plagued by these fears. Though I have known about his fears for the fourteen years we have been together, it is only recently he let me inside enough to see how much of every day my sweet Murray spends protecting himself and me from being dragged away and slaughtered.

He knows his fears are understandable but not rationale. Still they dominate his thinking and steal much of his joy. Then I listened to The Brain That Changes Itself  by Norman Doidge.

A Silly, Effective Solution

From this book I learned that our brains are plastic and whatever we practice grows. Practicing being afraid is like sledding down a hill on the same path: the more you do it, the deeper the trench gets and the harder it is to take any other path.

In order for Murray to build a new Path of Joy and Gratitude in his brain, he needed to get out of the content of his fears. Arguing with himself about how he needed to stop thinking about death threats is like trying to talk a stalker out of hounding you. All your conversation with a stalker gets turned into: "She cares! She really cares!”

All conversation with your worries, anxieties and doomsday scenarios just gives them more mass to crush you.

Sing a Silly Song of Sixpence

When Murray gets a fear thought now, he starts singing aloud.. The song keeps adapting, (He is singing Itsy, BitsySpider like Mick Jagger as I type this,) but it started out like this: “Row , row, row your boat gently down the stream, Mary had a little lamb, Cock- a- Doodle- Do!”

His singing serves at least two purposes:
1. He is letting me know that at that moment, just when he is watching television with me an rubbing my feet, his Fear is attempting to kidnap him. Instead, he sings silly songs, so he can come home to himself and me.

2. He is taking energy and strength away from his fears and putting them into joy and gratitude. He is rewiring his brain and his life.

Result: increased intimacy and joy.

Your Silly Shift

If you are wanting to stop doing something destructive and replace your pain with joy, try doing something really silly when you are tempted to fall into a Bad Habit Trench. Instead of getting mad at your little sister, for example, go blow bubbles. Stay out of the content of how annoying she is. You know where that trail leads. You’ve gone down it enough times before.

If you are afraid we are headed for total economic collapse, the end of civilization as we know it,  do a little jig every time this thought enters your head. This behavior will be good for you and the world.

Can you imagine if you were walking down the street and people passed you singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star like Kermit the Frog, or did little bouncy steps as they smiled at you? We would all be reminded to practice falling in love with our lives one habit at a time.

By the way, a fearful brain cannot find creative solutions. A fearful brain condemns us to a future of self-fulfilling icky encounters.

So say yes to Silly Singing!

Song: Beauty Like a Rock